its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
