I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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