the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
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I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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