Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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