I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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