If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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