Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
