I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
