Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
