break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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