I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
