I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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