I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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