so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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