i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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