WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
