Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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