I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
