my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
