Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
