I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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