he puts the penis in happiness.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Watching her eat just hurts me
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
