he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
