I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
