Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
