he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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