Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Randomize