I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
