Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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