dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
