Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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