You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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