The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
