i think i have herpe
just one?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
