even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
