I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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