you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
