Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
