I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
