True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
now i know why i became what i already was.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Oh god it's open bar.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
