i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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