I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
