weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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