Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
