I wish I could teleport
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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