I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
