My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
