I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
