So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
