he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
