I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
