I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
