at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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