The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
