My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
