Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
