you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
