I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
That reminds me...we need to get swords
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
